Healing Attachment Wounds through Connection: Insights from Emily Nagoski's Come Together
Intimate relationships bring with them ample opportunities for healing and growth. Yet, they are often the areas of our lives where we get most triggered or stuck in unhealthy patterns that have grown out of our past and the unhealthy culture we tend to live in. As a holistic therapist, I am passionate about helping individuals and couples reclaim this part of their lives and discover not only the fulfillment of healthy sexual connections but also the healing opportunities that coincide with learning how to have empowered intimacy.
I was very excited to begin reading Dr. Emily Nagoski's book Come Together, which delves into research and insights into enhancing and maintaining sexual connection in long-term relationships. As I read her book, I saw that much of the information she shared about supporting sexual connection paralleled well with healing attachment wounds and the challenges that these present in relationships.
How does this book connect to attachment wounds?
Unresolved attachment wounds can make it challenging to experience the deep, healthy connections we desire in relationships. Whether you experience anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment, these early relational patterns often play out in adult relationships, leading to conflict, fear of abandonment, or emotional distance, which can then create behaviors and dynamics that wreak havoc on relational wellness.
Nagoski's insights on fostering intimacy help us recognize the importance of emotional safety and trust, which are key to healing attachment wounds. In Come Together, she explains that sexual connection is deeply intertwined with emotional closeness and self-awareness. When partners feel emotionally secure, they are more likely to engage in fulfilling sexual experiences. She even discovered that a preliminary for couples who described themselves as having "great sex" was that they also identified one another as good friends in addition to being romantic partners. I thought this illustrated her point well.
What can help me heal my attachment wounds?
Mindful Listening and Attunement: One of the most effective practices for healing attachment wounds is cultivating mindful listening. When partners actively listen to each other, free of judgment or interruption, they create a safe space where vulnerability can emerge. This is especially important for those with anxious or avoidant attachment, as they may have developed strategies to protect themselves from being hurt. Try setting aside 10–15 minutes daily for "emotional check-ins," where each partner shares their feelings while the other listens mindfully. Feel free to check out my blog post on Empathic Listening to learn more.
Reassurance Rituals: Regular reassurances can be immensely healing for those with anxious attachments. This can be as simple as expressing love and commitment in a daily ritual—whether that's a loving text message, a morning kiss, or simply acknowledging each other's presence with a kind word. These small gestures help soothe anxieties of abandonment and rebuild trust. Furthermore, communicating these needs with your partner and working with them to help you connect more is profoundly healing as you learn to advocate for yourself and help your partner understand you better.
Attachment-Based Therapy: Therapy is a structured space where individuals and couples can work through attachment-related challenges. Attachment-focused therapies can help partners understand and heal from attachment wounds, with the therapist acting as a guide to uncover deep emotional needs. For more information, check out this blog on finding the right attachment-focused therapist.
Consider my Healing Attachment Wounds Course: Healing attachment wounds is big work. Knowing where to start or how to sustain this work can take time and effort. I offer a self-guided course focused on helping individuals learn about and heal their attachment wounds. I also provide discounted consultations for those taking the course if you would like to dive deeper into specific experiences that come up for you.
Harnessing the Power of Connection and Mindfulness
Nagoski emphasizes the importance of connection and mindfulness in and out of the bedroom. In my practice, these are cornerstones of good therapeutic work, so I was inspired to see these pillars prominently featured in this book.Mindfulness helps individuals become more attuned to their bodies, emotions, and partner's needs. Practicing mindfulness in a relationship can be a transformative experience, especially for those with attachment wounds who may struggle to stay present due to anxiety or fear of rejection.
Mindfulness in sexual intimacy means letting go of performance pressure and preconceived ideas or hangups. Mindfully approaching sexual intimacy allows us to focus instead on shared experiences and physical sensations. By implementing these practices, we can be fully present with our partner and take time to explore physical closeness without rushing to any particular outcome or succumbing to insecurity and stress.
How can I become more mindful?
Body Scan Meditation: Before engaging in intimacy, a body scan meditation can help partners connect with their physical and emotional states. Start by lying down together, taking deep breaths, and bringing attention to different parts of the body. You can use a recorded practice from Insight Timer or YouTube to guide your practice. Body scan meditations help to release tension and build awareness of physical sensations, which can open you up to more presence in and out of the bedroom.
Sensate Focus Exercise: Sensate focus is a therapeutic practice aimed at reducing anxiety around sexual performance. This exercise involves partners taking turns giving and receiving touch in a non-sexual, exploratory way. Start by focusing on non-erogenous zones and gradually build toward a more intimate touch. This exercise builds trust, helps individuals stay present, and emphasizes connection over performance.
Mindful Touch: Mindful touch encourages partners to focus on the sensation of touch without any pressure to move toward intercourse. Set a timer for 10–15 minutes and take turns offering gentle, non-sexual touch. Focus entirely on the sensations in your body and your connection to your partner during this time.
Embracing Sexual Intimacy as a Healing Tool
In Come Together, Nagoski speaks about the healing potential of sexual intimacy. Sensate focus is one method she recommends for couples to rekindle physical intimacy. By starting slow and removing the pressure for orgasm or performance, partners can rediscover the joy of physical touch and connect in a more meaningful way with the pressure off.
For individuals with attachment wounds, physical intimacy can be difficult, especially when past trauma or anxiety interferes with feeling safe in their bodies. This is where therapy, mindfulness, and patience come into play.
How can I build sexual intimacy with my partner?
Create a Safe Space: Before engaging in any intimate act, discuss boundaries and what feels comfortable for each partner. Practicing this kind of communication allows everyone to feel safe, heard, and respected. When we feel safe and respected, we can open up emotionally and physically more easily and comfortably.
Explore New Kinds of Touch: If sexual intimacy has become a source of stress, make a plan with your partner to take a break from intercourse and explore other kinds of touch. Cuddling, massages, or holding hands can create a safe space for reconnection and relieve pressure on both parties. Enjoying physical closeness in its own right can help us remember the pleasure we experience in our bodies and the presence of our partner.
Couples' Counseling: Working with a therapist, couples can explore underlying issues that might be impacting their sexual relationship. Having a third party to help you explore what's coming up and offer new tools, perspectives, and suggestions can be beneficial. Whether it's stress, past trauma, or attachment wounds, therapy provides tools to rebuild trust and rekindle passion.
Building Emotional and Sexual Intimacy
Emotional intimacy is the foundation for a healthy sexual connection. As mentioned earlier, Nagoski points out that the more emotionally close partners are, the better their sexual connection will be. Emotional intimacy involves sharing vulnerabilities, fears, and dreams, which can often feel risky for those of us with attachment wounds.
How can I build emotional intimacy in my relationships?
The Love Map Exercise: Based on Dr. John Gottman's research, the love map exercise helps couples deepen their emotional understanding of each other. Partners ask questions about each other's hopes, dreams, fears, and preferences, building a stronger emotional connection. This can be turned into a fun game where partners earn points for correct answers, adding a playful element to emotional exploration.
Daily Check-Ins: Emotional intimacy grows with daily connection practices. Set aside time to ask your partner about their day, how they are doing emotionally, or what's been on their mind. This can be as brief as 10 minutes over dinner but ensures consistent emotional closeness. Cultivating this connection can go a long way in understanding each other.
Gratitude Journals: Keeping a gratitude journal where partners write down things they appreciate about each other can help build emotional intimacy. Share your entries at the end of the week to express love and appreciation.
Consider a Couples Wellness Course: Implementing these practices can only be effective with a strong container. I offer a Couples Wellness Course that supports couples in diving into this work together to build a strong, vibrant, and fulfilling relationship. I also provide discounted consultations for those taking the course if you would like to work with a therapist around specific items coming up for you.
Nurturing Different Types of Intimacy
Sexual intimacy is only one aspect of a fulfilling relationship. Nagoski encourages couples to cultivate other types of intimacy—intellectual, emotional, and experiential. Couples can strengthen their bond beyond the physical realm by sharing interests and hobbies or discussing ideas. Again, this comes back to remembering or rebuilding your friendship with your partner.
How can I build different kinds of intimacy with my partner?
Engage in New Experiences: Try new activities together—whether it's cooking, hiking, or attending a class you both are curious about. Trying new things together creates shared experiences that foster experiential intimacy and allow you to see each other in a new light. Novelty reignites excitement and curiosity in relationships, which can sometimes be the missing spark.
Intellectual Conversations: Discuss books, podcasts, or current events that interest you both. Intellectual intimacy deepens when partners feel they can converse thoughtfully and share opinions. This is a great area to practice curiosity and mindful listening to learn about your partner and share your ideas and feelings about interests.
Scheduled Quality Time: Life gets busy, but regularly scheduled date nights or weekend getaways create space for connection. Prioritizing quality time ensures that emotional, intellectual, and physical intimacy remains at the forefront of the relationship. By prioritizing this time and space, you are demonstrating a commitment to your relationships that can help them flourish. You could try this Couples Meditation together for a quick practice and see what you think.
In Conclusion
By incorporating the ideas and tools shared above, couples can build emotional resilience, rekindle intimacy, and heal attachment wounds, opening them up to the opportunity to transform their relationships into secure, empowered spaces for growth and connection. We all deserve relationships that feel good and help us bring out the best in ourselves and others; doing the work to build profound and authentic connections on all levels allows us to awaken to the full potential of our lives and our relationships. With this, we can access pleasure, joy, resilience, and meaning more readily which can really make a positive impact in our lives and the lives of those around us.