Navigating Limerence and Love on the Journey to Secure Attachment
I'm sure we all remember our first crush, or maybe even our most recent crush—the butterflies in our stomachs, the racing heart, the constant thoughts about that special someone. These feelings are exciting and a little terrifying, especially in those younger years. As we grow older, we hold onto parts of these early crush experiences as a roadmap for love and relationships (and there is a physiological component to these butterfly feelings that is beneficial). However, as we seek more mature, long-term relationships, confusing limerence and love can create difficulty in our relationships.
As a holistic therapist specializing in attachment healing, I regularly work with individuals and couples navigating these two distinct emotional experiences. While limerence and love can feel similar and are easily confused, especially in the relationships we see in pop culture, they profoundly shape how we approach relationships and whether or not we build secure attachments.
What is Limerence?
This word may be new to you. It's not a word we often hear, but you know about limerence. Limerence is the intoxicating phase of infatuation, where romantic feelings are intense, obsessive, and all-consuming. It's that rush of euphoria when you think about someone constantly and feel an emotional high when you're around them. Again, look back to those middle school days if you need a refresher.
This experience of infatuation activates the brain's reward system, releasing dopamine and creating feelings of pleasure and even addiction. While exhilarating, limerence also really distorts reality. Usually, amid limerence, we idealize someone while ignoring red flags that would be very obvious were we not in this state.
Limerence is typically temporary, lasting a few months or years, but not permanently. Although it can spark the beginning of a relationship, relying solely on limerence inevitably leads to unhealthy dynamics. Recognizing limerence and how it functions can help you build strong and enduring emotional connections that outlast this relationship phase.
What Is Love?
While this is an age-old question, we can define many qualities of love, especially when distinguishing it from limerence. For starters, love is a deeper, more enduring emotional experience. While limerence is rooted in infatuation's emotional highs and lows, love grows from mutual respect, emotional intimacy, and trust. True love requires accepting your partner (and yourself) as a whole person with flaws and complexities, committing to support their growth and well-being for the long term, and expecting the same in return. It endures through the ups and downs of life, offering stability, empathy, and partnership.
Love also applies to how we treat ourselves, whether single or in a relationship. Accepting and nurturing who you are and building a healthy relationship with who you are sets a positive foundation for your future relationships with others.
How Limerence and Love Relate to Attachment Styles:
From an attachment theory standpoint, people with anxious or avoidant attachment patterns may be more susceptible to limerence. For individuals with anxious attachment, limerence can trigger fears of abandonment and create a cycle of obsession and insecurity. Anxiously attached individuals can easily confuse the emotional intensity of limerence with love, fearing that the relationship will end when the intensity fades.
For people with avoidant attachment patterns, limerence is appealing because it doesn't require as much emotional vulnerability. The thrill of limerence allows them to stay emotionally distant, but when that intensity fades, they may withdraw to avoid intimacy, which love requires.
In contrast, those with secure attachment tend to move more quickly from limerence into love. They are unafraid of the emotional depth that love requires and are likelier to build relationships on trust, communication, and mutual support rather than chasing emotional highs.
Recognizing Limerence:
Whether you're single, dating, or in a long-term relationship, it's important to recognize when you're in a limerent state so you do not confuse it with love. Below are some signs that what you're experiencing is limerence:
Obsessive Thoughts: If you're constantly thinking about your love interest or struggling to focus on other areas of your life, this can indicate that you are in limerence.
Idealizing the Other Person: In limerence, it's common to overlook the other person's flaws or imagine them as "perfect." This idealization prevents you from seeing them clearly and can create dynamics where you excuse harmful or unacceptable behavior.
Emotional Highs and Lows: Limerence brings emotional extremes. You might feel euphoric when they give you attention but anxious or upset when they're distant or unavailable. This pattern playing out can indicate limerance and anxious and avoidant attachment patterns.
Fear of Rejection: Limerence often comes with a heightened fear of rejection. You may feel anxious about how much the other person cares for you and constantly seek reassurance.
Ignoring Red Flags: You may rationalize or overlook entirely red flags that indicate the relationship may not be healthy. For example, in the haze of limerence, you may dismiss inconsistent communication or lack of emotional support despite its negative impact on you and the relationship.
Cultivating Love with Self and Others:
Moving from limerence to love is critical for healthy relationships. This practice can and should apply to your relationship with yourself and others. Below are some ways to cultivate love in a sustainable, healthy way:
Take Your Time: Don't rush building a connection, whether single or dating. Love takes time to grow and requires emotional depth beyond surface-level excitement. Getting to know someone can still be an adventure, but it is a longer journey than the quick trip of limerence. Think of it as taking the scenic route.
Build Emotional Intimacy: Love is rooted in emotional intimacy. Opening up about your vulnerabilities, fears, and needs can be frightening, but it is vital for building authentic connections and intimacy. Developing emotional intimacy requires deeply understanding yourself, including your desires, values, and triggers. When you have done this work, you can care for yourself better and communicate more efficiently with your partners.
Develop a Secure Attachment: Reflect on your attachment style and work toward creating a secure emotional bond, whether with a partner or yourself. If you struggle with anxious or avoidant attachment, developing a secure foundation through mindfulness, therapy, or self-reflection can help you experience love more fully. I offer a self-guided course that can support you in this process if you are interested.
Balance Independence and Connection: Love is about balancing connection with independence. In relationships, this means giving each other space to grow while nurturing the partnership. If you're single, cultivating independence and self-reliance will prepare you for future love built on mutual respect and authentic connection rather than codependence or insecurity.
Practice Self-Compassion: Self-love is just as important as romantic love. No matter your relationship status, engaging in self-care practices, nurturing your inner life, and being kind to yourself throughout life will ripple into all your relationships and establish a healthier, more fulfilling life. You might like to try this guided self-acceptance meditation as a starting point.
Address Red Flags Early: Don't ignore red flags whether you're in a relationship or dating. Love requires honesty and open communication. Address concerns and work through challenges early on rather than avoiding them. Working with a therapist as an individual or a couple can support you.
Prioritize Shared Values: A loving relationship is grounded in shared values. Whether you're dating or already in a committed partnership, discuss your long-term goals and make sure they align. Take the time to reflect on what truly matters to you and prioritize those values in your life: you will be more likely to cultivate relationships with shared values if you are already prioritizing what matters to you.
Practice Emotional Regulation: Learning to regulate your emotions is essential, especially when navigating love and limerence. Instead of letting emotional highs and lows guide your decisions, learning to stay grounded can help you think clearly when things are intense. Mindfulness, journaling, and regular self-reflection are great ways to maintain emotional balance.
Embrace the Transition from Limerence to Love: Recognize that the excitement of limerence will fade and that it's a natural progression toward something more profound. While limerence can be thrilling, love's emotional security, mutual respect, and commitment are far more rewarding in the long term.
If you are in a relationship and working on any of the above practices, you may find my couples wellness course extremely beneficial.
Limerence is a Gateway, not a Destination
Limerence can be a beautiful and exciting experience, but it can't be the end goal of a relationship. Instead, thinking of limerence as the gateway to love can help you recognize the phases of relationships while also supporting you in building the trust and emotional intimacy that love requires. Understanding the difference between these two emotional states also allows us to make better choices in our relationships and prioritize behaviors that support secure attachment over those that may play into our unhealed attachment wounds. Focusing on vulnerability, emotional intimacy, and shared values can allow you to cultivate love that is resilient, fulfilling, and grounded in mutual respect and care. This will outlast the temporary thrill of limerence and offer stability and depth that allows love to grow and deepen.
Whether you're single or in a relationship, understanding the difference between limerence and love empowers you to create healthier, more secure relationships—starting with yourself.
