Connecting Through Conflict Using the Gottman Method

A few weeks ago, I was on a family trip to Montreal. It was supposed to be a relaxing weekend, enjoying a beautiful city with my partner and our kids. That plan quickly disappeared when we woke up one morning to find our car gone! Looking at the broken glass on the ground and piecing together the reality that it had been stolen, I felt my distress and shock building. I could feel it from my partner as well. Moments like this are often the exact scenarios that result in relational conflict, as stress frequently results in one or both parties being triggered and acting in a way that disrupts and damages their connection.

I was so grateful to have my training and practice as a couples therapist in this circumstance. I relied heavily on the tools I have learned through The Gottman Method and, in doing so, was able to regulate myself, stay connected to my partner, and support our kids in navigating this unsettling and disruptive experience. Reflecting on it later made me want to share some of the tools and ideas offered by The Gottman Method for navigating conflict so that others could benefit from this wisdom.

Where to start?

Conflict is inevitable. It is bound to arise at some point in any relationship and can even be an opportunity to deepen your intimacy if you know how to meet the moment. One thing I have learned as a holistic couples therapist is that before clients can jump into communicating and problem-solving in conflict, they must first learn how to self-soothe and understand their inner experience so that they will be able to communicate and connect through conflict effectively.

As mentioned above, I have found the Gottman Technique, developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, incredibly helpful in supporting couples in managing conflict. Central to this approach is learning how to regulate emotions before addressing relationship challenges. So, before diving into solving an issue with your partner, it's essential to first take care of yourself. Let's explore the tools you can use, inspired by the Gottman Method, to turn conflicts into opportunities for growth and connection.

Step 1: Take Care of Yourself First

In the heat of an argument, emotions escalate quickly, leading to what the Gottmans call "flooding" – when your heart rate and stress levels spike, and you feel overwhelmed. Flooding often triggers the "fight or flight" response, and rational thinking becomes challenging. These are the moments we may say or do things we'll later regret if we're not careful. Paying attention to your heart rate, blood pressure, and the pace of your thoughts can help you notice when you're "flooded." The priority when you're in this state is self-regulation.

Practice Physiological Self-Soothing

When you feel the intensity of an argument rising- perhaps noting the physical and mental cues listed above- take a moment to slow down and breathe deeply. Research shows that deep breathing can help activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which brings the body out of "fight or flight" mode and back into a calm state. From a calm state, you can think before acting and make a more informed decision about how you approach the situation.

Try This: Take a "time-out" by telling your partner, "I need some time to calm down before we continue." Give yourself a minimum of twenty minutes to care for yourself. Find a quiet spot, close your eyes, and take a few deep, slow breaths. You can also use a counting or visually guided breathing practice. These techniques allow you to calm your body, reset emotionally, and return to the conversation with a clearer mindset.

Observe and Label Your Emotions

Emotional awareness is critical to managing conflict effectively. When you're in the middle of an argument, it can be challenging to recognize feelings accurately, which can add fuel to the fire, often causing more damage and heightened distress. The Gottman Method recommends that instead of reacting immediately in conflict, take a mental step back and try to label the emotions you're experiencing—anger, sadness, frustration, or anxiety are some examples. This can take practice, and for some of us, learning to identify our emotions requires us to learn more emotional language. Using The Feelings Wheel can help you find the right word for your feelings and understand how that feeling connects to other feelings.

Try This: Say to yourself, "I'm feeling angry right now because I feel misunderstood," or "I'm anxious because I'm afraid this issue won't be resolved." By naming your emotions, you're gaining control over them rather than letting them control you.

Manage "Negative Sentiment Override"

"Negative sentiment override" is a Gottman concept that describes when negative feelings about your partner overshadow positive ones. In this state, even neutral or kind gestures from your partner may be interpreted as hostile. When you're aware of this tendency, you can intentionally remind yourself of your partner's good qualities and past positive interactions to rebalance your perspective.

Try This: When you notice negative thoughts about your partner, pause and mentally list three things you appreciate about them. This practice can counteract negative sentiments and create space for a more constructive dialogue.

Step 2: Re-engage with Intention and Compassion

After you've self-regulated and better understood your inner experience, you can return to work to resolve the issue with your partner. Below are some tools to support this process and help you stay connected amid conflict.

Use a "Softened Startup"

One of the most critical factors in navigating conflict is how it begins. According to Gottman's research, discussions that start harshly—with criticism, blame, or accusations—often escalate into arguments. This makes sense when we imagine being on the receiving end of such communications! A "softened startup," on the other hand, invites cooperation rather than defensiveness.

Try This: Begin with "I statements" that focus on your feelings rather than on accusations. For example, instead of saying, "You never listen to me," try, "I feel unheard and would love for us to find a way to communicate more openly." This approach minimizes defensiveness and fosters understanding.

Use Repair Attempts

Repair attempts are gestures, words, or behaviors that prevent conflict from escalating. In the Gottman Method, repair attempts are seen as a sign of emotional intelligence and respect for the relationship. A repair can be anything from a gentle touch to an empathetic statement. It may even be a lighthearted joke. By making a repair attempt, you show your partner that you want this to work out.

Try This: If you feel that the conversation is getting tense, try using humor, affection, or simply saying, "Let's take a pause." These small actions can defuse tension and remind both of you that the relationship is more important than the argument.

Practice Active Listening

When we're in the middle of an argument, it can be challenging to hear and understand the differing viewpoints being shared. Active Listening is a critical skill in these moments that allows us to listen without interrupting and better understand where our partner is coming from. By listening deeply and reflecting on what we've heard, we can better clarify misunderstandings and demonstrate care and respect to our partners.

Try This: When your partner shares their perspective, resist the urge to jump in with your response. Instead, listen closely, then reflect back with phrases like, "What I'm hearing is…" or "It sounds like you feel…" This type of listening builds trust and helps each partner feel genuinely understood.

Conclusion

As I mentioned above, I was so grateful to have had these tools and The Gottman lens to help me and my partner navigate our car getting stolen. At that moment, and probably at early times in my life, it would have been easy to fall into blame, anger, and resentment as we processed this stressful and complicated situation. However, because my partner and I have worked on learning to self-regulate and stay connected, we could work together, support one another, and be there as calm, strong parents for our kids in a scary moment.

Handling conflict and stress in relationships isn't about avoiding disagreements altogether – it's about managing them in a way that strengthens your bond. The Gottman Method provides tools that support each partner in regulating their emotions and foster deeper understanding, empathy, and resilience. By practicing self-care, communication techniques, and continuous growth together, conflict becomes an opportunity to create a more connected, compassionate relationship.