Finding the Right Therapist on the Path to Healing Anxious Attachment

The benefits of therapy are touted everywhere these days, and for good reason! Many of us are experiencing the benefits of taking our mental health seriously, and culturally, we have seen a greater acceptance and even celebration of this as a priority. Relationships often inspire us to seek therapy. Relational difficulties that keep playing out or a problematic relationship with oneself, these things usually provide the impetus to begin working with a therapist.

For those navigating the complexities and challenges that can come with an anxious attachment style, finding the right therapist is a crucial step in beginning to heal. And the process can feel particularly daunting.

Anxious attachment, characterized by deep fears of abandonment and the persistent need for reassurance, often stems from early relational experiences (For more on this, see Attachment Systems 101.  Initiating a relationship with a therapist to work on these particular challenges may at first trigger some of these feelings. However, building a healthy and trusting therapeutic relationship can also offer the perfect avenue to practice and learn secure attachment.

Below, I have detailed some steps you can take to help yourself find the right therapist for your journey from anxious to secure attachment and to support you in healthier relationships overall.

1. Seek Specialized Expertise

Attachment theory is a nuanced field; healing attachment wounds requires specific knowledge and skill sets that not all therapists may have. While you can find a lot of information and ideas online, truly addressing attachment wounding involves work and a trusting relationship with a qualified expert. After all, moving from anxious to secure attachment is relational, and a therapeutic relationship offers many opportunities in and of itself to learn about and experiment with ways of relating. In your search for a therapist, look for someone who explicitly mentions expertise in attachment theory and healing attachment wounds. Consider considering someone trained in The Gottman Approach. Such specializations ensure that this therapist has a deep understanding of the dynamics at play in anxious attachment and will be able to provide you with tools to address them effectively.

Questions to Ask Your Potential Therapist:

• What is your experience with attachment theory?

• How do you approach healing anxious attachment in your practice?

• What specific training have you completed related to attachment work or relationships?

2. Look for a Holistic Approach

Healing anxious attachment often requires a constellation of modalities and approaches. Understanding everything intellectually or just focusing on your past patterns usually isn't enough to truly help you move towards building secure attachments. Seek out a therapist who incorporates holistic methods that heal the mind, body, and spirit. Techniques such as mindfulness, somatic experiencing, brainspotting, yoga, or bodywork can complement traditional talk therapy and help you address and heal the root causes of attachment issues and experience greater well-being.

Questions to Ask Your Potential Therapist:

• Do you integrate holistic methods into your practice? If so, which ones?

• How do you support or work with the mind-body connection in your sessions?

• Do you have other healing practitioners that you work with or refer clients to?

3. Prioritize the Therapeutic Relationship

As mentioned above, building a trusting relationship with a professional therapist is the ideal practice space for working through anxious attachment patterns and learning secure attachment. Practicing these skills will require you, as the client, to trust your therapist and feel you can communicate openly with them without feeling judged or insecure. It also requires you to bring vulnerability, commitment, and an openness to learning to your therapeutic relationship. In your search for a therapist, prioritize finding a practitioner who fosters a safe, non-judgmental, and empathetic environment and who you connect with meaningfully. As this relationship becomes more secure, you will internalize this relationship and what you are learning so that it may serve as a model for other relationships.

Questions to Ask Your Potential Therapist:

• How do you create a safe and supportive environment for your clients?

• Can you describe your therapeutic style?

• Ask any other questions that will help determine your comfort level and ability to connect with a therapist. Some questions may be about identity, life experiences, or anything that feels personal and important for you as the client.

Steps to Take:

• Ask trusted individuals if they can recommend a therapist specializing in attachment theory.

• Seek out support groups or similar communities where you can inquire about this specific type of therapist.

Meeting with Therapists:

After you have researched therapists whom you may like to work with, your next step will be to set up a consultation. This will be your opportunity to ask any of the above questions you have and to get a feel for a therapist’s personality and style. Setting up a consultation can sometimes feel difficult or anxiety-inducing since it requires you to initiate a new relationship, be vulnerable, and critically evaluate whether or not this relationship feels like a good fit. While this is undoubtedly challenging, it will determine how effective your therapeutic relationship will be, so it is vital to approach the challenge with your long-term healing and therapeutic goals in mind. Therapists are professionals and understand that not everyone will choose to work with them. Consultations are offered and often recommended for this very reason!

Things to Keep in Mind:

1. Trust Your Intuition

Your intuition is a powerful guide. An initial consultation allows you to get a sense of how you will work with this person. Consider how you feel in the therapist's presence. Do you feel heard, understood, and respected? Can you see yourself meeting with them over time? Trusting your gut feeling about a therapist can be as important as their qualifications and experience.

Reflection Questions:

• How do you feel during and after the consultation?

• Do you sense a potential for a trusting and collaborative relationship?

• What differences might you seek in someone else if this didn't feel like a good fit?

2. Consider Logistics

It is essential also to make space for practical considerations. Some key things to think about are location, availability, and cost. These factors will determine whether or not a long-term relationship will be viable and will allow you to commit with clarity, given that they all line up. Be sure that the therapist's schedule aligns with yours and consider how you will prioritize therapy when it comes to the financial component if cost is a concern.

Questions to Ask:

• How do you meet with clients (online, in-person, phone, etc.) and is this flexible depending on need?

• What is your availability for sessions?

• What are your fees?

Conclusion

Finding the right therapist to help you move from an anxious to a secure attachment style is a big deal. It asks that you be thoughtful, diligent, and patient as you find the person you feel is best for this role. While this can be challenging, it is another area where you can truly care for yourself meaningfully. By seeking a specialized, holistic, and empathetic therapist, you lay the foundation for transformative growth that can echo throughout your life. Remember, this process is deeply personal—trust yourself and take the time to find a therapeutic partner who resonates with you. Healing is possible, and the right therapist can guide your path to secure attachment and more profound, more fulfilling relationships.

Let this guide encourage you to reflect on what you are looking for in a therapist and inspire you to begin your search if you haven't already. Remember, the journey to secure attachment is courageous, and with the proper support, you can achieve profound healing and growth.  

If you are curious about working with me and would like to schedule a consultation, I would be thrilled to talk with you! You can learn more here.

If you'd like to learn more about healing attachment wounds, you are welcome to check out my course on the topic here.